Death Walks into a Bar
It was a slow night at the River Bend Bar, only four people sat at the bar, the tables were empty. The bartender, Marcel Walles, was cleaning glasses. There were a two regulars, Ken Mike at the end of the bar nursing a beer, and Ross Merch sitting in the middle of the bar drinking his fourth glass of scotch. Sean Colin, sat two seats away Ross and Brice Brawn sat between Ross and Ken.
Ross lit a cigarette. “Dude, you know you can’t smoke in here.” Marcel told Ross.
“Come on, it’s just one cigarette.” Ross replied, a slight slur in his voice. Marcel knew from that voice he would have to cut Ross of when he asked for another drink.
“It’s illegal to smoke inside, even bars.”
“Come on, put it out, I have asthma.” Sean told Ross.
“If you want to smoke you have to smoke outside.” Marcel said.
“Its ten degrees outside.” Ross complained, “No ones going to know.”
Sean, used an inhailer. “I have asthma, man.”
“There’s no such thing as asthma.” Ross slurred.
“Put it out or I’ll kick you out.” Marcel said sternly.
“Fine.” Ross put out the cigarette.
Death, the Grim Reaper, a skeleton, wearing a black hoodie and black khakis, having traded in their robes a long time ago, walked into a bar River Bend. “Wowee! its cold out there. Don’t go out or you’ll catch your me a cold.” the Skeleton jokes and laughed.
Everyone but Ross looked at the skeleton.
“Um- is anyone else seeing this?” Brice asked.
“Yes.” Marchel replied.
“It’s real?” Ken asked with a quivering voice.
“Can’t I just have one cigarette?” Ross asked, “I won’t even finish it. It’s ten degrees outside.”
“Oh, God! My asthma is not that bad.” Sean stuttered.
The reaper walked up to the bar. “Hey bar man do you have any bone meal?” The Reaper asked.
“I don’t think so,” the Marcel answered.
Death offer their arm, “Need sum?” The Reaper said with a laugh. “I guess it would be wrong of me to take a seat with out buying anything, so.” The Reaper took a hundred dollar bill from his pocket, “Drinks are on me!.” they placed the bill on the bar. They looked at Sean, “Hey, I need an extra bone, you got one?” The reaper laughed.
“Um, who are you here for?” Marcel asked.
“Ah, don’t worry yet, y‘all have some time left, so drink! I can’t, I have a dribbling problem.” It tapped the inside of his jaw. “It’s hard being a skeleton, I can’t please a lady. I have to put a dildo between my teeth and do the pidgin.” Death bobbed his skull back and forth.
Ken laughed, almost spitting out the beer he was downing.
“He gets it.” Pointing at Ken, “But hey, I can eat all I want and never gain a pound, I just have to put a bucket under my chin.
“I need another Bloody Mary.” Brice said.
“I’m not working my last minute alive.” Marcel responded.
“Ah Bloody Mary, I got a hundred years bad luck tracking her soul down. True story, so many broken mirrors.”
“I don’t mean to rush things but who are you here for?” Brice asked, “I have anxiety issues and it’s through the roof.”
“Y’all still have some time.” A buzzing and Mega Man 2 boss music came from the Reapers pocket. They looked at their watch, tapped it ending the alarm. “Or I’m running behind.” Death scrolled through a list his watch. “You should be smelling it by now.”
Everyone but Ross began sniffing the air. “Rotten eggs?” Sean asked. “Gas leak!” Ken yelled.
Marcel turned to run to the natural gas shut off but stopped when he noticed Ross lighting a cigarette. “Ross no!” He yelled.
“Oh come on, it’s just one-” Ross began to protest, holding his lighter’s button down keeping the flame on.
A wave of fire flashed from the lighter destroying the bar and killing everyone in it.
The bar destroyed, the souls stood looking at their bodies. They all looked at Ross.
“Ross! You asshole, your smoking killed just us all!” Marcel yelled.
“You fucker!” Sean yelled.
“You asshole!” Brice yelled.
“I should have known you’d kill me.” Ken said.
“No fighting people, don’t make me call in back up.” Death told them.
“It was just one cigarette, it couldn’t cause this.” Ross responded sobered by his death but no less dumb.
“There was a gas leak.” Ken yelled.
“Why didn’t you turn off the gas?” Ross asked Marcel.
“I didn’t know!” Marcel replied.
“I didn’t know either.”
“Ross, Death was in the bar with us, making jokes.” Ken said.
“What?”
“Him!” Sean pointed at The Reaper. He looked at Death, “I’m sorry, what are your pronouns?” He asked.
“It’s been so long since I had flesh that I’ve forgotten, call me what you want.” The skeleton responded. “Some people just use ‘it’ but then I have to stay away from children.” The Reaper joked.
“Um- he was in the bar? I didn’t see him.” Ross answers.
“You didn’t notice the skeleman?” Brice asked.
“No. I- I needed a cigarette.”
“Well your cigarette killed us all.” Ken yelled.
“Okay fellas, its time to go.” Death told them.
“Do we have to, can’t you let us-” Ken began to ask.
“Your face has been blown off, man.” Sean interrupted.
“But I’m getting married!”
“Do you want your half blown off face in the wedding photos?” Marcel asked.
“Time to go!” The Reaper ordered walking towards the blown out door.
The rest except Ross fallowed. Marcel grabbed Ross’s arm, pulling him along. "You killed us, your coming!"
The outside was not the city they knew, the bar and the land it sad on floated on a flowing river of mist so wide it reached the horizon, under a black sky.
“Is this the ghost world? Sean asked.
“Kinda.” Death answered, taking out their cell phone, opening and app. A long speed boat with 8 seats came up the edge of the floating land. “Such a big boat, I bet he’s compensating for something.” The reaper made a small penis gesture with their hand of their crotch.
Marcel and Ken laughed.
“So small it’s concaved.” The Reaper patted their pants.
“That’s a nice boat.” Ken said. “We’ve been wanting one but now that’s not going to happen.”
“You can still get one.” The Reaper told Ken.
“Not with Lu.”
Ross put a cigarette in his mouth, was about to light it when Marcel grabbed it, his pack of cigarettes and his lighter. “No more smoking!” He angrily yelled at Ross and threw the pack, cigarette and lighter in the river.
“Come on, its not like it will kill me now.” Ross protested.
“No littering!” Death told Marcel.
“Sorry.” Marcel apologized.
“All aboard.” Death announced.
“We’re going to hell aren’t we?” Brice asked.
“Speak for yourself, I go to church.” Ken said.
They all got in the boat.
“No one gets into Heaven, at least right away.” The Reaper answered.
“But I go to church and a pray!” Ken responded.
The Reaper fallowed and got in the drivers seat.
“Don’t worry, it's purgatory. It’s not paradise but it’s better than most peoples lives. You have to be really bad to go to Hell.”
“I thought Catholics made Purgatory up.” Sean said.
“It used to be part of Hell but when Hell got a bad name they remained it. They rebranded it Limbo then rebranded it Purgatory. It’s all just marketing. Don’t worry, most of the first couple decades of the afterlife is dealing with the baggage from your lives. After that the real adventures begins.” The Reaper pushed the throttle to maximum. “It used to take days to get there, back when I had to row. Now we get there quick and in style.”
Image by Square Frog from Pixabay used in header.
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