Kaiju Slaying For Death And Profit Ch 12

Whoo. Sorry for the late post.

One of these weekends, will be a weekend where I can actually rest and not do a whole bunch of chores.

That weekend was not this weekend.

I'm not even on my own computer. Had to go out of town. Currently on someone else's computer to get this posted.

This chapter was written in five minute intervals where I could squeeze it in between a ton of work at work, and a ton of work at home. I'm honestly unsure about it. But I hope you lot find it enjoyable. This is where we get to see SInji fail to spot the cult being formed around him.

Ignorance truly is bliss.

Let me know what you think in the comments.

=][=

“Somebody get me a Margarita, two raw eggs, five shots of Tabasco, salt, pepper, and a gun to shoot that fuck with.” I tried to growl but only managed to slur as I forced myself to sit up and open my eyes.

I was in a place that looked like a hospital room, only it had no windows, it was packed with flowers, balloons, paper cranes, snacks of various brands, and a few cases of Mexican soda.

Blinking in confusion, I took in my surroundings more carefully and saw Rei, slumped in a chair next to the bed, sleeping.

My last memories of being awake came to me making me shudder. I pulled up my HUD and checked my diagnostic programs. I was recovering from a thorough soul reaving, something had eaten two thirds of my soul, my Template of Doom Guy had sent me into a healing coma to fix that. I was now officially at three-quarters of a Soul, most of it the soul equivalent of scar tissue.

That…could have gone better.

In my defense, it could also have gone worse.

Okay, note to self, don’t skimp on Soul Defense when piloting soul-sucking biomechs.

In fact, let’s future proof my idiocy.

I navigated to the Defenses in my Catalog Access and purchased Soul Defense. I probably should have gotten that the last time I spent Credits. Poor decision, past me, it almost made current me into a husk. You’re welcome future me. Thanks to present me, you’re slightly less of a fuckup.

Damn you past me, damn you.

The door opened and the most average Japanese woman I had ever seen walked in and closed the door behind her. She had straight black hair, brown eyes, entirely average features, she wore 5.5 size shoes, and was a perfect five point five as far as looks went.

Every single metric of this woman told me she was exactly average. Utterly mundane. Quintessentially forgettable.

This is why my trusty laspistol was suddenly in my hand, pointed right between her eyes.

She smiled warmly and, in a movement so fluid as to be nearly serpentine, she prostrated herself before me and in a voice of utter liquid sex said. “It is good that you awaken, my Lord. While I held no doubt as to your fortitude, there are several time sensitive matters that require your attention.”

I checked the date on my HUD, did the math, and sighed. Sending the laspistol back to my storage pocket. “Report, M’shen.”

Not getting up, she said. “This unworthy one is ashamed to bring you naught but failure. Those of the organization called SEELE are devious, cowardly, and spread throughout all nations like a virulent canker. They are the ghost of a shadow of a whisper of a rumor. Every organization that I have infiltrated which answers to them, has been a shell, a patsy, or a trap. I fear that I will be incapable of satisfactorily infiltrating their organization to the point where assassination is feasible, at least not in a timely manner. By my estimate, successful infiltration would take anywhere form five to nine years.”

I grunted. “Not good, we’ll be lucky to have one. What about NERV?”

“As you can see, I masquerade as a humble nurse and lab assistant, I cannot act in a more official capacity without stepping into the life and identity of one already in place, I was able to fabricate this one up to standard, but it will not hold up to the scrutiny imposed for access to the highest mysteries of this organization. I am ashamed to say, without more freedom to act, my usefulness to you will be stunted. That said, I am confident I can reach any location you require in this apostate base with a minimum of bloodshed, my Lord.”

That was certainly suboptimal. So my options were, become the same kind of utter bastard that doesn’t care one wit for the lives of regular people to possibly achieve an objective, or risk all of humanity on hopefully being able to live with myself in the future.

So, time to change plans. If I couldn’t have the old men, I’d settle for mitigating the damage they could cause. It was a fact that they needed Rei in order to start the end of the world. And Rei had my Stamp, their objective was a non-starter already, my perfect and best ace in the hole. So, what’s the second most damaging thing they could do?

I took a deep breath. “There is something you must do for me.” I summoned my phone next to me. “Take that phone, at first opportunity, you will go to where NERV stores the clones of the girl next to me. You are to evacuate them into my interdimensional residence. It is of paramount importance that none are seriously or permanently harmed. You have my permission to render those you require unconscious but avoid deadly force unless you have no other option.

“You have my permission to create whatever mess or distraction you require but get this done as soon as possible. If your efforts would sabotage a battle against an Angel, then delay them until that crisis is dealt with.”

She rose to her feet with a liquid movement that all but exuded sex, she had to be doing that on purpose. My response to that was very obvious, but while the Spirit was willing, the Flesh was sore and malnourished. That fun would have to wait for a while at least.

M’Shen took my Company Phone reverently, then looked at Rei with a note of clear, though well controlled distrust, when she spoke, it was with reluctant respect. “The abhuman has been loyal as an ogryn. She has refused to part from your presence for longer than absolutely necessary. It is…commendable, for one who is so much your lesser.”

I gurgled something close to a chuckle. “Depending on how you look at it, she is more primordially human than either of us.”

By the look on her face, she did not believe me.

I pondered on how to move forward, I could not unleash her on NERV, I needed this stupid organization to continue to work semi-autonomously for at the very least the near future. “Two more things. After you have rescued the clones, infiltrate this country’s military, get as high as you need to, I will need you to be high enough to sow as much confusion as possible on a large-scale operation. Ideally, you will need the power to issue enough contradictory orders that the military will largely destroy itself in its confusion. Be as ruthless in this as you need to, but get it done.”

She bowed at the waist until her torso was all but perpendicular to the floor. “Your will be done, what is my last order?”

I pointed to one of the coke bottles. “Grab me a soda. Then go tell someone I’m awake, I’ll need to inform them, in detail, how bad of a job they’ve doubtlessly been doing in my absence.”

=][=

“No, Director, he is absolutely not fit for duty.” Bottle Blonde said into her phone scathingly. “He literally woke up from a two month coma less than an hour ago! We will not know either the short term or the long term symptoms of his ordeal without careful observation, I need not remind you of the only two documented cases of what he went through.”

She paused while the asshat on the other side of the line spoke.

“I have already made compromises due to the circumstances we find ourselves in! Were it not for the severity of the Angels, I would retire him permanently on a medical basis!”

Oh, that sounds bad. I needed two more Angels to be able to leave in good standing with Death.

“Well, I think I’m as fit as a horse.” I tried to say, but a misfortunate bout of vertigo assaulted me at precisely the wrong moment, meaning I only managed to wheeze my words.

Fake Blonde glared at me. “And that’s why you’re not the one in charge of your own health.” She turned to the side and hissed into her phone’s receiver. “No, he is not to pilot an Eva unless absolutely necessary and that’s final…I don’t care how much we stand to learn about this field of science, your son’s life is far too important to waste on idle curiosity!”

She slammed the receiver down on its cradle and turned back to me, she poked my chest with her finger. “And you! You are going to get rest, we will run tests on you until we’re certain you’ve recovered, you will not think of going near an Eva until you’re medically cleared to, and you’ll thank God for this miracle because, frankly, you should be dead.”

“God doesn’t care, Bottle Blonde.” The words slipped past my lips before my usual filters could catch them.

The Bleached Wonder was taken aback for a second, before sighing. “Even if He doesn’t, I care. The people at NERV, care. You made a lot of people sad and worried, so try and be a little more careful, okay?”

Well shit. I was actually feeling a bit guilty now. I sighed. “I’ll try, but I have my doubts that the Angels will cooperate.”

Ritsuko nodded, then took a weird looking gadget out of her lab coat and pressed a button, it let out a nearly subsonic static sound and I felt the hairs on my arms stand straight with a minute electrical charge. “Now, there is a…theory, that you are able to consciously control your synchronization with an Evangelion. Would there be any truth to that conjecture?”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Hypothetically speaking, if there were some truth to that theory, what would happen?”

“There would be a lot of poking and prodding, a lot of testing in order to learn how such a feat can be replicated. I dare say, you might be unenrolled from school, but it would be so you can be studied to unlock the secret behind your ability to synchronize so well with an Eva.”

As much of a pain in the ass as school was, it was better than that. “In that case, it was clearly a sensor error, or a freak accident caused by adrenaline, or something.”

Ritsuko sighed. “I feared as much. You’ll still need to do quite a bit of testing, but the data will show it is not something that can be reliably replicated.”

“Okay cool, so I’m free to go?”

Ritsuko’s eyes flashed. “Did you for one second think I was done making sure you aren’t about to fall over dead out of nowhere?”

Drat.

=][=

I dragged my poked and prodded ass through the NERV facility. The technicians, mechanics, secretaries and other workers were all trying to act surreptitious while they stared at me. It was getting on my nerves.

Next to none of the glances held hostility so I put it out of mind.

I walked into the operations room, there I saw Rei and Asuka, the former giving me a welcoming nod, the other glaring before turning away with a scoff.

Well, I don’t speak tsundere so…I walked next to Rei, who surreptitiously leaned against me. The top of her head only barely reached my deltoid, putting her at perfect head pat range. Head pats I proceeded to provide.

As with most displays of affection, Rei did not know how to respond, beyond instinctively leaning into the touch.

Ritsuko and Ritsuko’s cute assistant (what do these people have against nametags!?) walked in. The assistant’s eyes lit up when she saw me, letting out a quiet ‘aww’ when she saw I was patting the…is Rei a Nephilim? She’s part Angel so if the shoe fits…

A jealous scowl flitted across Ritsuko’s face, swiftly replaced by confusion, then a mask of resting bitch face, I doubted anyone other than me noticed it had been so quick. Looks like the Stamp was doing its work.

The part of me that was native to this reality viciously enjoyed the thought of cucking my old man out of his fuck buddy. Yeah, Bottle Blonde had a mountain of issues, but if I could fuck someone stupid, maybe I could fuck them smart?

Either way, I already had Bottle Blonde, might as well nab the assistant with the tight cute derriere to complete the set. Those two, Rei, a bottle of wine and…

I blinked and willed the Stamp away from my pocket. A feeling like warm water trickling down from the top of my head as my heart began to race.

I looked back at my recent memories, they felt almost as if I’d been making decisions through a fever. Why would I Stamp the assistant? She was an innocent, she’d done nothing to deserve having her autonomy taken away. Ritsuko was up to her neck in conspiracy and sin, a different version of her would have partially strangled Rei purely because she was stressed out and jealous. She deserved the Stamp.

The assistant was innocent, yes, she was cute in a ‘girl next door’ kind of way. And I certainly would not be against showing her a good time, and subsequently ruin her for any other man. Maybe press her against Rei and have the two of them make out while I take her from behin—

I mentally shook myself, again. What the hell?

My brain regurgitated something from one of the seminars I took in Basic; Soul Stuff And You. The interconnection of Mind, Body, and Soul was complex. Immensely so, at that. But in layman’s terms, the Body moved, the Mind directed, and the Soul fueled.

And what it fueled had much the same priorities as the body had for regeneration. And just like the body would allow the brain to die before the reproductive system, so too would the Soul fuel the reproductive urge before it fueled the Mind that regulated those compulsions.

And I was currently at three quarters of a Soul.

I had to figure out a way to safeguard against the possibility of ‘drunk Stamping,’

“I’ll do it!” Asuka shouted with conviction, her face set in a determined scowl.

Oh right, this is a briefing. World ending stuff. Blah blah blah. Miss Assistant would look better if her uniform were a bit tighter in a few key locations.

Fuck a duck this is insidious.

“Yes Asuka, you will do it with Unit 02.” Ritsuko said.

“What about us?” Rei asked.

Miss Assistant answered. “Unit 00 is a prototype. It isn’t set up for specialized equipment.”

Ritsuko nodded. “Rei, you will deploy in Unit 01 and provide support for Asuka. Shinji, you will remain on standby in HQ, if another Angel attacks, you will deploy in 00 and fend off the threat.”

Miss Assistant scowled at that declaration. There appeared to be some division in the ranks. If I didn’t need this organization to stay together, that would be a good thing.

Also, this was bad, because I had to be present if I wanted a chance to nab the soul of the Angel. Or at the very least, get a piece of its body.

Also the survival of mankind in this neck of the multiverse. That’s important too.

“I can deploy.” I said in the most stout and virile tone I could muster, which at the moment was something close to a half-dead croak.

Not a single one of the women in the room looked convinced. Though Rei and Miss Assistant both took it in the spirit it was meant.

Ritsuko did not dignify my statement with a response, which was just mean. “A17 has officially been issued. You have your orders. Let’s move.”

“Ma’am.” Rei and Asuka said together.

Drat.

As Bottle Blonde and her assistant stepped out, I cupped Rei’s face. “You stay safe out there, and bring back a trophy of that Angel.” I leaned down and kissed her, she kissed me back, her hands balling up in my shirt.

“Yes, I will.” She answered, once I broke the kiss.

Asuka looked on with clear envy as well as feigned disgust. And Miss Assistant did a little fist pump in celebration for some reason.

It’s only then that I remembered I was keeping my relationship with Rei on the down low to screw up any plan of Gendo’s.

Oh well, in for a penny.

I kissed Rei again for good luck, her tongue was a lot of fun to play with.

=][=

There really was not a lot for me to do at NERV HQ while there was an active Angel deployment of which I was not a part of and I wasn’t supposed to get on an Eva.

Maybe I could convince someone on break to play a game of Battletech?

…Did this post apocalyptic hellscape of a reality even have Battletech?

I’d have to check. They didn’t exactly have an easily accessible Internet.

A decidedly handsome man with a jawline so sharp most women would love to cut their lips on sat next to me on the break room I’d found to hide in.

“My Lord.” M’Shen’s liquid sex of a voice dripped out of the man’s mouth in most disconcerting way. “I require your input.”

I suppressed my revulsion at that voice come out of that body. “Report.”

“I had my suspicions, but I’ve ascertained the existence of another faction. This one of insane extremists that worship the monsters and will attempt to use them to destroy the world.” She said, popping open a canned coffee and taking a sip. “I believe I can use them to create a distraction and extricate the…clones.”

I nodded. “What’s the plan?”

“This cult has infiltrated NERV, my current identity is one of its members. They plan to cut off power to the base to learn something, I am as of now, unsure what. I wish to trigger this plan early, the confusion this causes should provide me with the opportunity I require, furthermore, it should minimize whatever gains this apostate cult receives out of their planned operation.”

I considered her idea for a few seconds, then nodded. “Wait until we hear a successful result of NERV’s current operation. Then act.”

“As you wish.” She said, stood, and walked away.

I sighed, brought up the Catalog in my HUD, and upgraded my demi-plane into maxed out Grand Manor. My Credits dropping from a whopping one-hundred-and-nineteen, to nine.

That, that hurt my Soul.

Not quite literally, but it certainly felt like it did.

I sighed and closed my Catalog Access, and my mood dropped further when I realized I also needed someone present to teach the Rei clones how to Maid.

Going back to the Catalog, I looked through it, filtering out non-maids, and searched for someone that would be able to get the job done, was eccentric enough to take the situation at face value, and kinky enough that I wouldn’t have to hold her hand through teaching the clones their more…perverted duties.

That…that narrowed the search by quite a lot.

And those that remained were largely out of my budget.

All bar one, due to a discount given by my Defenses.

I looked at the only worthwhile option I could afford, and reconsidered my life’s choices, wondering as to the exact sequence of events that brought me to this terrible eventuality.

I had already compromised so much, forced to give up so much of myself for mere survival. Should I really compromise on this as well?

Was there really no other alternative?

But, as usual, necessity won out over principle. I closed my eyes, sighed, and made the terrible purchase.

Once I received the notice that she had been delivered to my mansion, I used my HUD to connect with the main computer at my mansion where, serendipitously, my new companion awaited instruction.

[Ah, I see.] Said the woman in an almost mechanical tone. An nearly imperceptible smirk graced the lips of the beautiful, pink haired, blue eyed young woman in a borderline fetish maid outfit with a miniskirt. A pair of manacles hung from her wrists with heavy chains. [Is it time to punish me?]

I sighed and resisted the urge to massage my temples. +Good day, Virgo.+

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